Editor Letter | Soothing an Anxious Child-International Sunshine Home

Although I know I’m a good mom, there are still times when doubt breaks my heart. It shook me when Judy asked: “Mommy, do you love me?” And I was rattled when a teary-eyed Judy said: “Mommy, could you use a gentler voice?”

How could she question my love? While I was trying to teach her boundaries and discipline, she interpreted my behavior as a deficit of love.

Rationally, I know that it’s normal for kids in a family with multiple children to worry that one child is loved more than the other. I work hard to reassure Judy that I love her in every way just as much as her younger brother Luke. I let her know that I love her unconditionally and without end.

Even so, she keeps asking me the love question whenever she is scolded or things does not go in her way. So what can I do?

On the one hand, I know can’t be a softie who gives in whenever she questions my love. In the long run, I know that children are less likely to be anxious when their world makes sense.

To that end, we set clear boundaries, behave consistently and give our children predictable routines. If bedtime is going to be moved earlier for a special occasion, I talk to her first so she can be prepared for the change.

Judy is four years and six months old now and has become an intelligent and sensitive person. She is alert whenever she hears her name in a discussion between adults. She is even prone to tears if she thinks we are talking negatively about her.

I counter her fears by retelling the story of how happy I was when she was born, how happy we all were. I let her know she was wanted and loved on that day and that has been true for every single day of her life! I set a routine to hug her regularly, especially before bedtime and when I drop her off for class.

To help an anxious child, it’s important to nurture self-confidence. We consistently praise Judy when she works hard at something and demonstrates genuine grit. When she masters a new skill, we celebrate… and then give her a new challenge.

And of course, Judy loves quality one-on-one time with me or her father. She loves her brother but is not afraid to ask for some undivided attention.

We also bear in mind that studies show how feelings of love can be both emotional and physical. During moments of deep connection, the brain releases oxytocin, a chemical in the brain that plays a role in social bonding. Over time, the demonstration of unconditional love and affection by a parent actually changes a child’s brain!

Looking forward, I will continue to show affection in my actions and words. I’m confident that, over time, Judy will be able to rest assured that she has a rock-solid base of love and support in her mother and father!