Children love imaginary play because it’s a fun and instinctual way to develop social and cognitive abilities, to see things from another perspective and to act out their fears and aspirations.

While the stereotype holds that girls gravitate toward dolls and play kitchens while boys prefer swords and toy guns, no single type of play is exclusive to one gender.

So what are we to think as parents and educators about imaginary play by either boys or girls that involves weapons and violence?

Some parents choose to ban swords and toy guns from their child’s toy collection in the hopes of circumventing or delaying interest in violent play. Certainly, most schools ban these kinds of items from the playground.

Children are creative, though, and they can turn anything from a piece of bread to a pointed finger into a toy gun if they are determined.

Banning swords and toy guns can be counterproductive unless paired with an understanding of and response to why children are interested in these items. Imaginary weapons can be mesmerizing to children because they can wield real power. 

When a child points his finger and says “Bang!” and you fall down or pretend to be wounded, it’s an incredibly visceral way for a child to exercise power.

Play-acting in this way gives children a genuine sense of control over their lives, something that can be in short supply for a three-year-old (or an adult).

If you take away weapons of power, be sure to replace them in your children’s lives with other healthy ways of practicing and exercising power.

For example, an imaginary sword can be re-conceived as a magic wand that turns you into a different animal each time the child points the sword at you. 

Instead of playing dead when shot by a gun, you can transform into a piggy when targeted by the wand. Kids love this game, especially if you play it up with animal sounds and motions.

It involves work on your behalf but it changes pretend violence into a more creative form of imaginary play.

Oftentimes, imaginary play that resembles war or fighting is a way for a child to act out her desire to be the hero, the one who saves the day. If your daughter is stabbing a dragon with her imaginary sword, try reconceiving the scenario.

For example, perhaps the sword is a firehose and she’s putting out a fire. She still gets to be the hero and exercise power but in a way that doesn’t involve killing or violence. It’s a great way to encourage leadership, strength and heroism!

And every parent knows that children love to play traffic officer. A gun can easily be reimagined as a handheld stop sign and children never tire of telling you when you can’t move and where to go.

Again, the underlying idea here is that children should be able to practice wielding power in ways that are productive rather than destructive.

At the end of the day, each family will make its own choice about what toys are considered appropriate or off-bounds in the home.

But no matter what decision you make, the most important thing you can do is teach your children how to wield authority and power responsible and with compassion.