It is one of the greatest ironies of parenting that our children often take their biggest leaps toward independence when we are not around. Indeed, it is precisely when a child learns that she can’t always depend on an adult to do something that she is compelled to learn how to do things on her own.
As parents, we want to teach independence without our children being sad or feeling discouraged. We also want to give them everything they want. These are great instincts but they can get in the way of fostering independence.
Independence is learned when facing a challenge, when failing repeatedly, when doing something hard or even a bit risky.
If you find yourself complaining that your children never pick anything up while you’re cleaning up after them, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. If you’re cleaning up because they are not, it’s because they’ve realized you’ll do it if they won’t. And really, if someone else will clean up after you, why bother?
Every child needs to practice being independent, and every parent needs to practice letting his child be independent.
Independence is like any skill, it’s learned through practice. Some children are highly social and prefer to constantly entertain or be entertained by adults or peers. Without trying to change their core personality, we owe it to our children to expose them to opportunities to learn and to do activities on their own.
So what can we do build independence?
Allow real choice
As adults, we always have the final word when it comes to safety, health, and well-being but it’s a great practice to let children make decisions such as which book to read at story time or which movie to watch at family movie night. Yes, you may find yourself watching Paw Patrol for the hundredth time, but that’s how kids learn!
It’s always nice to allow your child to choose what to wear to school. This can be stressful for the parent but, as long as the clothes are not unsafe, the independence gained by choosing one’s own outfit outweighs the importance of mismatched clothes.
Be willing to accept imperfection. Your child won’t do tasks as well as you can, and that’s okay. If she spills her juice, show her how to clean it up rather than criticize her. Be careful not to turn it into a game -- I spill, you clean -- or you’ll never be done cleaning up!
Provide independent tasks
Give a child a meaningful and purposeful activity that is age-appropriate and can be done on their own with effort. For example, if you are doing laundry, ask your four-year-old to match and sort all of her own socks. Give her some space and time. If you’re cooking, have your son clean and wash the rice. You may lose a fair bit of the rice in the process and it will take longer than you would take, so plan appropriately.
You can work with your child to come up with a list of things he can do by himself. It could be brushing her teeth, bringing her plate to the kitchen after dinner, putting on her own clothes. Ask her which duties she feels she’s big enough to take on -- a genuine question is more likely motivate her to try.
Offer consistency
Once you’ve clearly established a rule or a process, stay with the program. Set consequences and make clear that they are automatic and non-negotiable. If a child refuses to put away her toys, emphasize that the toys on the floor are the problem, not the child herself. “We want to go outside but we can’t leave until all the toys are put away.” Stay away from attacking a child directly: “You are so naughty, daddy will be mad unless you put the toys away.”
Create the right time and space
Remember that self-esteem doesn’t come from being told how wonderful you are. Self-esteem comes when children build skills and master challenging tasks on their own. Give them the time and space to try challenging things and to taste de feat. Even when they become upset, give them the time to learn on their own and to triumph.
Set up the environment for success. An organized home makes a big difference in your child’s independence. Organize the environment so that everything has a place. Be consistent and let your child know what goes where: Shoes and coats at the entryway, toys in the basket, dirty clothes in the hamper. In the kitchen, keep plastic dishware down low and teach your child how to get a simple snack or cup of water.
For self-directed activities please allow enough time for your child to finish on his own. If he takes 10 minutes to get dressed on his own, add 10 minutes to your morning schedule. When children are not micromanaged, they more willing to cooperate. And when it’s not a race against time, both child and parent will be under less pressure.
In general, don’t rush to solve minor issues as soon as they arise for your child. Build problem-solving skills by asking if she can come up with a fix. If she can’t, give her time to think before offering up a suggestion.
Increase difficulty over time
Just like we do in class, observe your child to understand what skills they have mastered and then task them to learn a new, slightly more difficult skill. If your son can put on his shirt and pants but hasn’t learned to put on shoes and socks, encourage him to learn these skills and practice together for several days. Then, let him continue to practice on his own. He’ll get there!
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