Whining -- that all-too-familiar combination of talking, crying and moping -- is something all parents experience, especially with kids between the ages of two and four.

If not handled the right way, whining could continue up until teenage years… and nobody wants to be around that.

Your child doesn’t whine solely for the sake of getting on her parents’ nerves, but it sure is effective. She’s doing it for a reaction, and even an annoyed look or a short “Stop that!” is teaching her that whining is working in her favor.

Negative attention is still attention, after all. In order to ensure that we are reacting appropriately, we need to understand the deeper reasons for the whining.

The biggest reason is that your child feels powerless or disconnected. This could be due to exhaustion, hunger, feeling overwhelmed in general or feeling deprived of attention from the people he usually feels close to.

According to Jessica Michaelson, psychologist and early parenthood coach, whining is essentially a cry for help where your child is saying: “I can’t act big anymore! Please take care of me like when I was a baby.”

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, whining can be cured by an immediate fix such as food, water or a nap.

Sometimes, however, whining is coming from something deeper -- an inability to express feelings or a need for physical connection, for example.

If your child is whining about wanting more juice, she may just need you to pleasantly say “No, but you can have more tomorrow” accompanied by a kiss on the cheek.

A whining child will often request or demand things that she doesn’t even want. What she really needs is for you to be comforting and to let her release her big feelings, even if that means a big cry or a long hug.

 

Unfortunately, we can’t always know what exactly it is that our children need, and it can be difficult to know how to address whining as it happens.

Not addressing the whining, however, is exactly what we should do. Instead, wait for a time when everyone is calm and level-headed to have a discussion about the difference between a whiny voice and a normal voice, and how it makes you feel.

Set clear expectations of what your child can expect from you when he whines, and follow through when it happens: “if I hear you whining, I won’t answer you. I will be happy to talk to you when you decide to use a normal voice.” You can also use this as an opportunity to talk about asking nicely, and accepting the answers we don’t necessarily want.

Just as we need to be consistent with how we address whining, we should also be aware of how we respond to our children when they don’t whine.

When she uses her normal voice to make a request or express frustration, respond quickly and pleasantly. This will show her that she is more likely to get the attention she seeks when she doesn’t whine.

Keep in mind that part of parenting is practicing patience -- change may not happen quickly, but being intentional about stopping the habit will not only make your child much more pleasant for you and others to be around, but also teach her better communication skills in the long run.