All kids are angels but let’s be honest, they’re not angels. Our sweet loved ones sometimes lie and they’re usually not very good at it. So why do they do it?
For the same reasons we do: attention, social acceptance, to hurt someone else, or because the truth has tough consequences. Unlike us, they don’t understand truth in the way we do.
Children’s brains are evolving and it’s not until around the age of eight that they start to have an in-built sense of right and wrong and an automatic sense of wrong when they lie.
Childish fantasy is often wish fulfillment. If a four-year-old tell you a long story about how she met Santa Claus, she may be telling you what she wishes had happened. If her friends are impressed, even better! Kids know that other kids are gullible.
“My Elsa doll told me to do it.” It’s not a very believable lie but children enjoy living in a make-believe world with imaginary characters. Imaginative thinking can be a way for a child to deal with reality.
The occasional retreat into a fantasy world they control is a powerful antidote to the very real helplessness that is reality for all children. If you want to get to “the truth,” keep asking questions about Elsa the doll’s actions. Your child will likely tell you what happened, albeit from Elsa’s perspective.
As your child ages, let him know that that the truth won’t hurt because you will love and accept him no matter what he tells you.
Remember that kids are people-pleasers. If you ask a three-year-old if they cleaned up their toys and they lie and say they cleaned up, it’s because they wish it was true and they want you to be happy.
In these cases, it’s important to teach them that the later consequence of a lie discovered is greater than the short-term pleasure of a mom pleased. All children need to learn that lying won’t work. Mom always knows!
Kids sometimes lie when they fear punishment. This is particularly true in homes that use physical punishment, which is one of many reasons we discourage it.
Consequences should be proportional, consistent and automatic. Children should dislike the negative consequences of misbehavior but not fear the parent.
If fear is greater than the desire to do the right thing, that’s a recipe for a lie. Encourage children not to lie by supporting them for telling the truth. Yes, there are consequences but you will always love and respect them. Be calm, fair and helpful.
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