Some children have no problems talking to family members, but are shy around strangers. Some children even have problems talking to family members.
These children can be trained so they gain confidence. Confidence is important in school and in relationships with others.
Start off with talking to your child about being kind and friendly to others. Use language she can understand. Keep it simple. Explain that it doesn’t feel good for a person to say ‘hello’ and not be greeted nicely in return.
Read books about being a friend or about when relatives come to visit. Point out the acceptable behavior and help her begin to understand that her actions can make others feel good if she is kind.
Next, role play with your child. Role Play is a fun technique used to teach children many social skills in a controlled and non-threatening way.
Children enjoy role play games and enjoy being able to play more than one part. That is what you will do for this activity. Allow the child to play both parts.
Let’s say your sister or friend is coming to visit tomorrow. You want your child to be kind and polite.
Talk to her. “My friend is coming tomorrow. Do you remember her? She will smile and tell you ‘hello’. What will you do? Let’s practice how to greet her nicely.”
Walk a little ways away (or out of the room briefly) then turn to your child and pretend to be the friend visiting. “Hello, Yiyi! You are getting so big!” (Silence from your child.)
“My friend will not tell you, but that made her feel sad. Let’s try again. Let’s practice what to say.”
Decide on what is appropriate (Example: Hello, Ayi. Thank you.) Then practice saying it clearly and loudly enough to be easily heard. Do the role play again and see how she does. Be sure to celebrate the successes, but don’t be hard on your child. Training anything take time and patience.
Let your child know you will continue to work on it – and do so once or twice a week. Make it fun. Create fun scenarios, like going to the zoo and meeting a gorilla.
The role play is not complete until your child has played the part of the friend and you play the part of the child. This is really important because you want the child to feel both the rejection and the acceptance that being impolite or polite gives.
“Ok. Now YOU be my friend and I will be you!’(Your child walks out and back in to greet you.)
(Now it is YOUR turn to look away and not respond) Discuss how it felt.
Have your child start again, this time respond properly. Discuss how it felt this time.
Always role play several times. Celebrate each success!
Initially it is important to prepare the child in advance for any known encounter to help the child begin to feel the success of being kind. Slowly prepare a little less each time until the child naturally responds respectfully each time without prompt.
In public do not expect perfection the first time or two. Again, training takes time. Also, do not fuss at your child or push for a response.
Simply tell the person “I am sorry. We are working on this. Next time she will do better.” With a smile of reassurance to both your child and your friend move on to another topic.
Because it is true. You are working on it. And your persistence, love and patience will help your child develop the confidence and understanding to be kind and respectful to others.
Be sure to NOT say something like “oh, she is just shy”. The person you are talking to will be fine hearing that. But your child is also listening and you just defined who she is – shy. A child hears who they are from the mouth of a parent and believes and lives that definition without even realizing it. Be careful what you say in the hearing of your child.
| One more note:
As already mentioned, do not fuss at your child for a lack of success. Simply talk about it later; what happened, how it made the other person feel, how it could be done better.
Then when there is time, role play the same situation, helping your child practice an appropriate response.
However, when the child begins to be successful in respectful and kind responses, do NOT make a fuss about that either! Act like your child has always been that way.
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Do not talk in front of your child about the change and how surprised you are, or your child might become so embarrassed she will never do it again! Do not fuss about it in public, but once you are home, talk to your child about how proud you are of her. Relate the scene again and comment on her kindness and confidence.
Train from the failures. Celebrate the successes. With time and diligence, you will hardly even remember when your child was not the kind and confident child she is today.
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